Don't Judge People.

It's hard finding inspiration in a place where you're surrounded by temptation.  It's difficult to break bad habits that you have invested so MANY years in.  It is a struggle to face another day, sometimes, when you just do not know how you're going to make it through it.  I'm still waiting for that one day where I wake up and decide I do not want to do this anymore, and the inspiration is so strong that all the struggles seem like problems of the past.

My issue (battle) is that I am a food addict.
The problems that have led to this issue are many.
(This list is not complete, and not necessarily in order of importance.)

1- People In My Life:  I can never erase those things said to me.  I will never forget the words "disgusting" and "fat".  I will never outrun the disapproval that I feel, whenever I am in his presence or think back to events of the past.  Until people have walked the road I have traveled, they cannot possibly understand what I have been through.  While the person he may be today (I honestly do not know) is totally different from the person I knew "yesterday", the damage has been done.  I have not been able to erase its imprint in my mind.  I am 46 years old today and I still live with the residue of the past actions, behaviors and remarks.

2- Intentional or Unintentional Comments:  My ex-father-in-law once called me a "fat cow".  "When are you due?"  I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked that.  

3- Misconceptions and Perceptions:  I am not a pack-mule.  Just because I am taller (5'8") and I am not delicate boned, this does not mean I am as useful as a man.  I am a woman.  Treat me as such.  I deserve the same courtesy that is paid to the petite, thin, and pretty picture that you define a woman as.  Just because I am with someone who is capable of eating extremely large amounts of food does not mean that I do the same.  Just because I am overweight, you do not need to assume that I need super-size portions.  Did you stop for one moment to think that maybe there is a reason I am the way I am?  One more thing.... just because I may require a larger size of clothes, does not mean that I want to dress like a grandma, wear large floral prints or paisley designs, and does not mean my boobs are super-size as well.  Why must I be limited to white granny bras?

4- I Have Feelings:  I notice the judging looks, the comments followed by laughter, and the dismissal.  Why should my size be a factor in whether you decide to "give me the time of day"?  Why should my size be the determining factor of whether you offer me a courtesy?  I have experienced so many negative interactions and reactions from people, that I have lost my ability to think positive about the laughter, comments and looks you give.  My jokes and laughter are attempts to distract from my insecurity and pain.

5- Living With My Choices:  I stay home more than go out, because it hurts to face people.  It is a struggle to carry around the excess baggage and pretend that all is right in the world.  The walls feel like they're closing in on me.  I am living with my mistakes of the past.  My self-imposed imprisonment is crippling me and destroying my quality of life.

I cannot shed my food addiction like a person who chooses to stop smoking, drinking or doing drugs.  Food is not an option.  I have to learn how to live with food, my worst enemy.  It is not as simple as waking up one day and saying "I'm not going to do this anymore!"  The triggers appear each and every day.  They taunt me and torment me.  

If I could have one wish, just put myself first for once, this is what I would wish.  I would wish that I could go into some kind of treatment facility or program, where like an alcoholic or drug addict I would be unable to obtain my drug of choice (food).  I need an intervention and I am so afraid that I will not be able to find my "I can't do this anymore" moment of change.  People preach "diet and exercise" as my solution.  It's hard to stick to.  You have no idea until you have to face it yourself.  It is easier said than done.  

I do not want your pity, instead I want you to understand me.  Understand why I am the way I am.  Understand what I am feeling and consider my feelings.  It's not as simple as "diet and exercise".  It's in my head.  I need help, and I do not know how to go about getting the kind of help I need.  

I need to find a way to rediscover the "me" that is lost and hidden.
I don't know how to change.  I only know that I don't want to live like this anymore.