How Do You Pick Up The Pieces?

I'm really finding it difficult to come to terms with some things in my life.  I've been told to "forgive and forget" the wrongs.  It's not that simple!  It's actually easier to forgive, sometimes you forget, but there is one major part of this equation that is never mentioned:  How do you pick up the pieces?  How do you deal with the wreckage?  

Think of a tornado and the trail of damage that it leaves behind, once it disappears.  This is one aspect of my struggle.  The actual events and situations that caused the wreckage and damage are over.  The "tornado" has long since passed.  The destruction that it left behind, still remains.  I don't know how to begin picking up the pieces and put my life back together again.  How can I even try to do this, when I know there is still going to be a gaping void left by things that just cannot be.

I cannot fill the void in my life that requires someone to change and be a positive, rather than a negative.  I cannot replace them in their role in my life, and I cannot re-establish the role they should play in my life.  How do I move on, when I cannot fix this?  I know I have made mistakes and I know there have been times where I behaved badly.  There are also times in my life where I did NOT create the problem, I reacted to the problem, and I will NOT apologize for certain actions and decisions I made as a result of the problem.  I did NOT cause the problem!!!!  It was my responsibility to deal with the problem, and I did.  Period.  I was nicer than I probably should have been.

Note to a person in my life:
"I can forgive you for your actions.  I've already forgiven you for all of it.  I just do not know how to come to terms with the lack of relationship that we have.  Evidently I still need your approval, I still have a need to know that you do not think I am a total failure.  I need you to acknowledge that I have done good in my life.  I need you to stop looking me as the black sheep.  I am not evil.  I never have been.  I just wanted to be a normal person, with normal mistakes and accomplishments.  I wanted, and still want a normal life.  

My reality is clouded by your actions, and while I'm not asking for an apology for anything, I need you to acknowledge that you made mistakes.  I need you to know that your words, your actions, your behavior have all contributed to my crippled thinking.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a distorted image of myself, one that is based on your dictates.  This is one of the consequences of your actions that I live with daily.  I will live with the warped visual and mental picture of myself that you created.  You are the one who formulated my first impressions.  You taught me your prejudices and stereotypes.  You taught me that I am not good enough, unacceptable, disappointing, a failure and other things I won't post here.

I created an addiction because of the past interaction we have had.  I live with this addiction and it has been a part of my life, for the most part of my life.  I will live with this addiction for the rest of my life.  This addiction is one of the consequences of our interaction.  I chose the addiction as a way to cope with my crippled thoughts, now I do not know how to stop the addiction.

You do not see the consequences that I live with daily.  I do not think you understand that there are consequences to your actions, and the true depth of what your actions and behaviors have done to me.  In your eyes you have done nothing wrong, and therefore you have nothing to concern yourself with.  You have written me off.  

There is one important thing that I have learned from you, that has changed my life in a positive way.  You have taught me who I do not want to be, and I have ensured that I do not carry on the actions and behaviors that you damaged me with.  I choose to have compassion.  I choose to care about how my actions affect others.  I choose to form my own opinions and relationships, based on giving everyone a fair chance.  I choose to not hurt others physically or emotionally.  I choose kindness.  I will not condemn,cripple, or criticize people in my life, with words that destroy their self-confidence or self-image."

I am unable to forward these words to the proper recipient, and I am not able to close out my words with a proper ending.  I just need to express how I feel in the hope that somehow I can find a way to close out this chapter in my life in a positive way.  I'm still no closer to coming to terms with it.  I am no closer to understanding how to move on.  I just want to know how to pick up the pieces of my life and how to stop living in the shadows of the past.

Enough for now.

Don't Judge People.

It's hard finding inspiration in a place where you're surrounded by temptation.  It's difficult to break bad habits that you have invested so MANY years in.  It is a struggle to face another day, sometimes, when you just do not know how you're going to make it through it.  I'm still waiting for that one day where I wake up and decide I do not want to do this anymore, and the inspiration is so strong that all the struggles seem like problems of the past.

My issue (battle) is that I am a food addict.
The problems that have led to this issue are many.
(This list is not complete, and not necessarily in order of importance.)

1- People In My Life:  I can never erase those things said to me.  I will never forget the words "disgusting" and "fat".  I will never outrun the disapproval that I feel, whenever I am in his presence or think back to events of the past.  Until people have walked the road I have traveled, they cannot possibly understand what I have been through.  While the person he may be today (I honestly do not know) is totally different from the person I knew "yesterday", the damage has been done.  I have not been able to erase its imprint in my mind.  I am 46 years old today and I still live with the residue of the past actions, behaviors and remarks.

2- Intentional or Unintentional Comments:  My ex-father-in-law once called me a "fat cow".  "When are you due?"  I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked that.  

3- Misconceptions and Perceptions:  I am not a pack-mule.  Just because I am taller (5'8") and I am not delicate boned, this does not mean I am as useful as a man.  I am a woman.  Treat me as such.  I deserve the same courtesy that is paid to the petite, thin, and pretty picture that you define a woman as.  Just because I am with someone who is capable of eating extremely large amounts of food does not mean that I do the same.  Just because I am overweight, you do not need to assume that I need super-size portions.  Did you stop for one moment to think that maybe there is a reason I am the way I am?  One more thing.... just because I may require a larger size of clothes, does not mean that I want to dress like a grandma, wear large floral prints or paisley designs, and does not mean my boobs are super-size as well.  Why must I be limited to white granny bras?

4- I Have Feelings:  I notice the judging looks, the comments followed by laughter, and the dismissal.  Why should my size be a factor in whether you decide to "give me the time of day"?  Why should my size be the determining factor of whether you offer me a courtesy?  I have experienced so many negative interactions and reactions from people, that I have lost my ability to think positive about the laughter, comments and looks you give.  My jokes and laughter are attempts to distract from my insecurity and pain.

5- Living With My Choices:  I stay home more than go out, because it hurts to face people.  It is a struggle to carry around the excess baggage and pretend that all is right in the world.  The walls feel like they're closing in on me.  I am living with my mistakes of the past.  My self-imposed imprisonment is crippling me and destroying my quality of life.

I cannot shed my food addiction like a person who chooses to stop smoking, drinking or doing drugs.  Food is not an option.  I have to learn how to live with food, my worst enemy.  It is not as simple as waking up one day and saying "I'm not going to do this anymore!"  The triggers appear each and every day.  They taunt me and torment me.  

If I could have one wish, just put myself first for once, this is what I would wish.  I would wish that I could go into some kind of treatment facility or program, where like an alcoholic or drug addict I would be unable to obtain my drug of choice (food).  I need an intervention and I am so afraid that I will not be able to find my "I can't do this anymore" moment of change.  People preach "diet and exercise" as my solution.  It's hard to stick to.  You have no idea until you have to face it yourself.  It is easier said than done.  

I do not want your pity, instead I want you to understand me.  Understand why I am the way I am.  Understand what I am feeling and consider my feelings.  It's not as simple as "diet and exercise".  It's in my head.  I need help, and I do not know how to go about getting the kind of help I need.  

I need to find a way to rediscover the "me" that is lost and hidden.
I don't know how to change.  I only know that I don't want to live like this anymore.

Have You No Shame? Have You No Honor?

Sometimes people just really disappoint me.  The lengths they will go to destroy or humiliate people is incredible.  If you are going to put that much effort in hurting someone, why not re-invest it into something more productive, something positive?

“‎It isn't enough to stand up and fight darkness. You've got to stand apart from it, too. You've got to be different from it.” ~ Jim Butcher

“A Man Without Honor is Worse than Dead.” ~ Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

I see examples of this quite often in the school that my youngest two daughters attend.  I know it's a "high-school" mentality thing, because I remember when I was in high school.  I remember how it was played.  I remember how it hurt.  It seems nowadays that the harassment and bullying is worse, it is magnified from my day.  People wonder why kids commit suicide or take guns to school, and shoot up the school - or themselves.  Does anyone stop to think about what happened prior to the ultimate result?  Does anyone honestly investigate what the child went through; what happened to cause them to get to this point?

Society spends so much time focusing on the tragedy, rather than the "symptoms" that occurred before the tragedy.  Society tends to blame the tragedy on something convenient, and doesn't fully investigate the motive and the reasons behind the actions.  If we just paid a little more attention to the pleas, the symptoms, the signs, or the "dismissed" minor problems that happened before the tragedy, maybe we could prevent the tragedy from happening!!

Continue this to adults...shouldn't we, as adults, be past the "high-school" mentality?  What is the point of creating drama, when if you have any sense of decency, you would just move on and learn from your mistakes?  Why does a person create a big fiasco, and point the finger at someone who has done them no wrong?  Greed?  Jealousy?

We are taught as children (at least I know I was) to accept the consequences of our actions.  Retaliating and pointing the fingers at someone else in an effort to cover your own actions, in my opinion, that is really childish.  To take from someone else, and then accuse them of the crime that you, yourself committed....that's pathetic!  Grow up already.

Have you no shame?  Have you no honor?
Have a little respect for yourself and grow up man!

And then we come to Jodi Arias.

There is no way this woman is innocent and there is no justification of self-defense.  After all that was done to this man, how can anyone even think she deserves mercy?  He was naked, without weapon, and in the shower!  I don't buy the "battered woman" defense or claim.  This is way beyond that!  Somehow Casey Anthony got away with her crime.  I hope and pray that Jodi Arias is held accountable for hers.  She deserves the death penalty.  Perhaps when this country starts giving more serious consequences for rape, molestation of children, and murder, offenders will think twice about doing the crime in the first place.