START: "The Start", Ch 02, pages 27-35

"The Start"

Fear tends to argue both sides of the coin, leaving you absolutely no room to stand [breathe, move].  It tells you "Don't chase your dream at all." and "If you chase your dream, you have to do it all at once." These statements are lies.

As we stand with one foot on the road to "average", and the other foot on the road to "awesome", we have to "kill" those "fear tactics".

Just start.  The starting line is the only line you [can] completely control.  The start is the only moment you're the boss of.  Don't worry about the finish.  Along the way you will meet dozens of people who are going to impact your finish.  You will have countless opportunities, experiences, and challenges that dot the map of awesome that you are following.  There will be cliffs and rivers and jungles you can't begin to fathom.  You will reach that mountaintop that is better than anything you have ever dreamed, and laugh at the idea that you thought you could plot out your own finish.

It's impossible to predict the finish.  Part of the reason it's difficult is that the path often changes by the time you get to the end.

"Don't Plan Your Life Like I Used To Plan My Speeches"

Average is so popular because average is familiar.  We all know how to do average.  Most of the people on the planet are average.  The road is well worn, the decisions are obvious, and the next steps are crystal clear.  Average is predictable.  When people are faced with the decision between awesome or average, most opt for familiar, or comfortable.  We like the idea of an awesome adventure, but most of us default to trying to manicure the road to awesome so it's as safe and predictable as the road to average.

Awesome is a little dangerous.  There may be dragons in the woods.  There are foggy and cloudy mornings and nights.  Sometimes you're not completely sure about your next step until you take it. Awesome is adventurous.  The road to awesome is defined by surpises.  It's a rambling dirt road with twists and turns that offer something new at every corner.

We want to plan that road to awesome.  We want to talk about our visions, goals.  We want to detail every step before we take them.  We want to make sure there is no room for mistakes or failure.  When we do that, we squeeze our lives and purposes too tightly and we eliminate any room for surprises.   We don't have or make time for them.  They do not fit into the plan.  We scowl when people interrupt what we're doing at work, grumble when neighbors want to talk, and curse momentary distractions.

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Personal Notes:

I have lived with fear for all of my life.  The average road is the one I have traveled, without deviation, because stepping away from the comfort zone is scary.  I've subdued, and eventually locked away my dreams, because I didn't think or believe that I could do it.  Eventually I came to the point where I couldn't breathe, move, function, because my self-imposed "comfort zone" became four walls closing in on me.  My comfort zone is located on the road to average.

Yesterday's reading talked about waking up, years down the road, wondering where it all went...where did all the time and opportunities go?  what happens when you run out of excuses to remain average?  what happens when the comfort zone is a private and self-imposed, prison?  You don't realize it as it is happening, but the answer all comes down to this: the comfort zone becomes a private and self-imposed prison.

Fear has lied to me, and caused me to believe that I should not pursue my dreams.  Fear fed me with lies that I was too old, it was too late to start, and that I am not good enough.  Fear has kept me locked up in my own self-imposed prison, under the initial disguise of "easy" and "comfortable".  Fear has caused me to hide "me" for entirely too long!!!

I also learned in these first 35 pages of this book, that being in the 40's is NOT the end of the world.  It doesn't have to be too late.  I can still head toward the road to awesome.  I may still be like a "lighthouse" that warns of "crashes" that have happened before, but I can learn from my mistakes and still have my opportunities, my chances, and my "harvest". 

I don't know how to be awesome.  This is something that I am going to have to learn how to be.  I need to re-discover the "me" that has become buried physically, emotionally and mentally.  I need to surround myself in people who can, with their presence, strengthen the person who is hiding underneath all of the self-imposed confinement.

Who is the "me" who has been locked-up?
I'm going to post who I think this "me" is, and in a couple weeks, months, years, I want to check back and see who I thought I was, and who I have become. 

Defining "Me" - likes to laugh, enjoys companionship and time with friends.  "Me" enjoys having fun and getting out and doing things.  "Me" likes to be appreciated and treated with respect.

Don't Judge People.

It's hard finding inspiration in a place where you're surrounded by temptation.  It's difficult to break bad habits that you have invested so MANY years in.  It is a struggle to face another day, sometimes, when you just do not know how you're going to make it through it.  I'm still waiting for that one day where I wake up and decide I do not want to do this anymore, and the inspiration is so strong that all the struggles seem like problems of the past.

My issue (battle) is that I am a food addict.
The problems that have led to this issue are many.
(This list is not complete, and not necessarily in order of importance.)

1- People In My Life:  I can never erase those things said to me.  I will never forget the words "disgusting" and "fat".  I will never outrun the disapproval that I feel, whenever I am in his presence or think back to events of the past.  Until people have walked the road I have traveled, they cannot possibly understand what I have been through.  While the person he may be today (I honestly do not know) is totally different from the person I knew "yesterday", the damage has been done.  I have not been able to erase its imprint in my mind.  I am 46 years old today and I still live with the residue of the past actions, behaviors and remarks.

2- Intentional or Unintentional Comments:  My ex-father-in-law once called me a "fat cow".  "When are you due?"  I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked that.  

3- Misconceptions and Perceptions:  I am not a pack-mule.  Just because I am taller (5'8") and I am not delicate boned, this does not mean I am as useful as a man.  I am a woman.  Treat me as such.  I deserve the same courtesy that is paid to the petite, thin, and pretty picture that you define a woman as.  Just because I am with someone who is capable of eating extremely large amounts of food does not mean that I do the same.  Just because I am overweight, you do not need to assume that I need super-size portions.  Did you stop for one moment to think that maybe there is a reason I am the way I am?  One more thing.... just because I may require a larger size of clothes, does not mean that I want to dress like a grandma, wear large floral prints or paisley designs, and does not mean my boobs are super-size as well.  Why must I be limited to white granny bras?

4- I Have Feelings:  I notice the judging looks, the comments followed by laughter, and the dismissal.  Why should my size be a factor in whether you decide to "give me the time of day"?  Why should my size be the determining factor of whether you offer me a courtesy?  I have experienced so many negative interactions and reactions from people, that I have lost my ability to think positive about the laughter, comments and looks you give.  My jokes and laughter are attempts to distract from my insecurity and pain.

5- Living With My Choices:  I stay home more than go out, because it hurts to face people.  It is a struggle to carry around the excess baggage and pretend that all is right in the world.  The walls feel like they're closing in on me.  I am living with my mistakes of the past.  My self-imposed imprisonment is crippling me and destroying my quality of life.

I cannot shed my food addiction like a person who chooses to stop smoking, drinking or doing drugs.  Food is not an option.  I have to learn how to live with food, my worst enemy.  It is not as simple as waking up one day and saying "I'm not going to do this anymore!"  The triggers appear each and every day.  They taunt me and torment me.  

If I could have one wish, just put myself first for once, this is what I would wish.  I would wish that I could go into some kind of treatment facility or program, where like an alcoholic or drug addict I would be unable to obtain my drug of choice (food).  I need an intervention and I am so afraid that I will not be able to find my "I can't do this anymore" moment of change.  People preach "diet and exercise" as my solution.  It's hard to stick to.  You have no idea until you have to face it yourself.  It is easier said than done.  

I do not want your pity, instead I want you to understand me.  Understand why I am the way I am.  Understand what I am feeling and consider my feelings.  It's not as simple as "diet and exercise".  It's in my head.  I need help, and I do not know how to go about getting the kind of help I need.  

I need to find a way to rediscover the "me" that is lost and hidden.
I don't know how to change.  I only know that I don't want to live like this anymore.

Don't Stop Believin'

I am still struggling inside.  I knew I had an almost 0% chance of being chosen by the Biggest Loser, to be a contestant, but I dared to hope.  I dared to believe it was possible. 

I got up at 3 a.m. Saturday, May 11, 2013, and drove to Dallas.  It was quite a brave thing for me to do, this small town girl has always refused and insisted that I would never drive in a big city like Chicago.  While I did not see "street driving" as in Chicago, I dared to do it.  I wanted this sooooo bad that I was willing to try, willing to step outside my comfort zone. 

We (Danielle went with me) arrived around 5:30 a.m.  Good thing we were early.  The line was already 40+ deep.  I was #48 in line.  I met some really nice people, and Mary was there.  They didn't start taking people in the door until after 10:15 a.m., but the time between 5:30 a.m. and 10:30 a.m., it seemed to fly. 

 

Good Luck Johnny Walker!!!

I am glad I went, and I am glad I tried.  I dared to dream.  My dream hasn't come true as of yet.  The Dallas call-backs are over, but I'm submitting that video online....just in case.  I haven't given up on my dream.  I'm not a quitter.

I've submitted by "2nd Chance" Video, put together the 9 page application, and I'm not giving up.  No matter how hard the waiting, hoping and disappointments, I will keep trying.  

The most important thing that I take from this is "Don't Stop Believing!".  I have to keep trying. I have to keep stepping outside the comfort zone.  

I am NOT a quitter!  I still believe.  I still believe in dreams!