How Do You Pick Up The Pieces?

I'm really finding it difficult to come to terms with some things in my life.  I've been told to "forgive and forget" the wrongs.  It's not that simple!  It's actually easier to forgive, sometimes you forget, but there is one major part of this equation that is never mentioned:  How do you pick up the pieces?  How do you deal with the wreckage?  

Think of a tornado and the trail of damage that it leaves behind, once it disappears.  This is one aspect of my struggle.  The actual events and situations that caused the wreckage and damage are over.  The "tornado" has long since passed.  The destruction that it left behind, still remains.  I don't know how to begin picking up the pieces and put my life back together again.  How can I even try to do this, when I know there is still going to be a gaping void left by things that just cannot be.

I cannot fill the void in my life that requires someone to change and be a positive, rather than a negative.  I cannot replace them in their role in my life, and I cannot re-establish the role they should play in my life.  How do I move on, when I cannot fix this?  I know I have made mistakes and I know there have been times where I behaved badly.  There are also times in my life where I did NOT create the problem, I reacted to the problem, and I will NOT apologize for certain actions and decisions I made as a result of the problem.  I did NOT cause the problem!!!!  It was my responsibility to deal with the problem, and I did.  Period.  I was nicer than I probably should have been.

Note to a person in my life:
"I can forgive you for your actions.  I've already forgiven you for all of it.  I just do not know how to come to terms with the lack of relationship that we have.  Evidently I still need your approval, I still have a need to know that you do not think I am a total failure.  I need you to acknowledge that I have done good in my life.  I need you to stop looking me as the black sheep.  I am not evil.  I never have been.  I just wanted to be a normal person, with normal mistakes and accomplishments.  I wanted, and still want a normal life.  

My reality is clouded by your actions, and while I'm not asking for an apology for anything, I need you to acknowledge that you made mistakes.  I need you to know that your words, your actions, your behavior have all contributed to my crippled thinking.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a distorted image of myself, one that is based on your dictates.  This is one of the consequences of your actions that I live with daily.  I will live with the warped visual and mental picture of myself that you created.  You are the one who formulated my first impressions.  You taught me your prejudices and stereotypes.  You taught me that I am not good enough, unacceptable, disappointing, a failure and other things I won't post here.

I created an addiction because of the past interaction we have had.  I live with this addiction and it has been a part of my life, for the most part of my life.  I will live with this addiction for the rest of my life.  This addiction is one of the consequences of our interaction.  I chose the addiction as a way to cope with my crippled thoughts, now I do not know how to stop the addiction.

You do not see the consequences that I live with daily.  I do not think you understand that there are consequences to your actions, and the true depth of what your actions and behaviors have done to me.  In your eyes you have done nothing wrong, and therefore you have nothing to concern yourself with.  You have written me off.  

There is one important thing that I have learned from you, that has changed my life in a positive way.  You have taught me who I do not want to be, and I have ensured that I do not carry on the actions and behaviors that you damaged me with.  I choose to have compassion.  I choose to care about how my actions affect others.  I choose to form my own opinions and relationships, based on giving everyone a fair chance.  I choose to not hurt others physically or emotionally.  I choose kindness.  I will not condemn,cripple, or criticize people in my life, with words that destroy their self-confidence or self-image."

I am unable to forward these words to the proper recipient, and I am not able to close out my words with a proper ending.  I just need to express how I feel in the hope that somehow I can find a way to close out this chapter in my life in a positive way.  I'm still no closer to coming to terms with it.  I am no closer to understanding how to move on.  I just want to know how to pick up the pieces of my life and how to stop living in the shadows of the past.

Enough for now.

Diet Rehab, Dr Mike Dow (pgs 36-43) Addiction, Yo-Yo, Reward Response

Continued From Previous Post:

How Stress Can Make You Fat:
When we're stressed, our adrenal glands produce cortisol.  Cortisol is intended for the times when we have to jump into action...part of the "fight or flight" response.  It raises our blood pressure.  It tells our cells to store fat, to create fat reserves.

If we combine the rush of cortisol with sugary, starchy foods we crave under stress, and we have a recipe for insulin resistance.  This is is a condition where our bodies stop efficiently metabolizing blood sugar.  As a result, more calories are stored as fat.  We have trouble losing weight and we start gaining.

Cortisol and other elements of our adrenaline rush speed up our metabolism initially, which suppresses our appetite so we can focus on the task at hand.  When the rush wears off, we're super-hungry because our body expected us to burn off all that extra blood sugar and fat.  It creates hunger to compensate for this supposed activity.

If you've had some "pitfall" thoughts that have created additional stress, your stress and subsequent hunger-- will increase. 

Cortisol also suppresses our immune system and deplete our serotonin and dopamine levels, sending us into a state of anxiety and eventually send us toward depression.

The fat cells around our body are particularly sensitive to cortisol and to high insulin levels.  This area of our body is also very effective at storing energy.  This is why when we stress, it leads to weight gain on our bellies. (pgs 36-37)

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Addiction and Yo-Yo Dieting: (pg 37)

We need to maintain healthy serotonin and dopamine levels to feel good, and if we are not eating the right foods or engaging in the right activities, our levels will fall too low.  We may force ourselves to forgo our "medication" for a few weeks or even months.  Unless we genuinely learn to replace it with something healthier, we will always be tempted to come back.

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Getting to Know Your Hunger: (pg 39)

When Do I Feel Hungry?
x_after something upsets me.
x_after something wonderful happens.
x_because I am bored.
x_when I feel like I deserve a reward.
x_based on a cue: after a TV show is over, when I get home, etc.

How Do I Feel Hungry?
x_suddenly I am ravenous
x_gradually, my hunger goes from being small, to a pressing one.
x_I crave particular foods or types
x_I feel desperate
x_I feel calm and pleasant anticipation
x _I am constantly hungry.
x_I am constantly looking forward to my next meal.
x_I look forward to the food itself
x_I look forward to some other aspect of the  meal: the break, the time with family or friends, the chance to get away from work or out of the house.

If you are hit with constant hunger, there could be a huge emotional hunger in your life that is not being met.  If you are eating healthy meals and snacks filled with booster foods, usually we will feel gradual hunger every two or three hours.  If we have stuffed ourselves with a big meal, we may not feel physically hungry for at least six hours, as physical hunger usually comes on slowly and gradually.  Eating when you are bored, to give yourself a break, on a set schedule, or in response to a cue might mean that you're eating food you do not really need.

Just restricting your access to food does not change the reasons that you were eating excessively in the first place.  If your brain chemistry remains unbalanced--if your brain is still looking for dopamine and serotonin--keeping yourself from eating too much at one time will not change the dynamic.

The Reward Response: (pg 42)

Sugar and starchy foods relate to our hunger for serotonin and the high-fat foods feed our need for dopamine.  Whenever anything pleasurable happens to us, we get a little shot of dopamine, a tiny burst of Yes!  That little bit of dopamine serves as a reward for anything we do that feels good.

This dopamine reward is one of the reasons addictions are so hard to give up, even when we have physically detoxed from them.  Even when the physical addiction is broken--when there are no more withdrawal symptoms and our body is back to normal--that dopamine reward beckons and it can be very hard to resist.

End of Chapter 2.  To be continued.

Diet Rehab, Dr Mike Dow (pgs 1-35)

I decided to begin another book, and I'll be doing it slowly, like TCE.

Introduction:
"I'm going to make a confession: I used to have a food addiction.  Although I've since kicked the habit, every so often I want one of the foods I used to be addicted to."  Dr. Mike Dow

From me:
"I have a confession to make: I have a food addiction.  I crave different foods and haven't figured out how to get control over it yet."  ~ Me

Introduction:
Self-medicating (with food) is not just a metaphor.  Anti-depressants like Wellbutrin lift dopamine levels, as do nicotine, amphetamines, cocaine, bacon, potato chips, and other high-fat foods.  Serotonin and dopamine are helped by Prozac and Zoloft and street drugs.

We do not want to feel as bad as we feel, so we turn to our addiction to self-medicate.
Just as you can form an addiction to alcohol, nicotine and drugs, so can you become addicted to food.

When your life is full of serotonin-and dopamine-boosting activities, and when your thoughts trigger big doses of serotonin and dopamine and the self-esteem, optimism, and energy they bring, you will no longer crave the fix of different foods.  (This is a "light-bulb" moment for me.)

Part One:  Understanding Food Addiction
~Willpower is not the problem.

If your life is stressful or if you feel chronically anxious and unsafe, your serotonin levels probably have been low for a while, making you all the more vulnerable to the power of sugar and carbs.  Like wise, if your life feels boring and restricted, if you chronically feel blue and lethargic, your dopamine levels have likely dropped even before you started worrying about your weight. (pg 25)

When you do weight-loss surgery, if you do not address the patients' brain chemistry, they'll continue to feel miserable and deprived.  They'll still crave the foods that make them feel good--that did, actually, generate the brain chemicals that we all need to feel good-and then, as happens to most people who have weight loss surgery, they aren't able to stick to the recommended behavioral changes for one year after the procedure.  (pgs 25-26)

We all have to feed our brains with the right foods and activities or we'll never be able to be free from the addiction.  (pg 26)

Two: How Food Addiction Makes You Fat:

~Discover Your Food Habits
01- Is there at least one unhealthy food that you consume every day?
Butter, Salt, "White" foods.
02- Do you panic if you think you might not have access to this food everywhere?
No.  I do, however, think about when & how I will get it next.
03- Have you ever felt you might need to cut down on this? Yes.
04- Has anyone suggested you change your eating habits? The doctors.
05- Do you ever feel guilty after eating or drinking? Yes.  I also feel a lot of discomfort.
06- Is this unhealthy food on your mind within an hour of waking up? Yes.
07- Do you feel powerless when you have a craving? Yes
08- Have you tried, but failed, to cut back on this item in the past? Yes
09- Do you turn to this food when you're feeling low or high, or when you're not even hungry? YES!
10- Have you felt as though your self-esteem and relationships might be better if you didn't have these cravings? YES!
11- Do you seem to think about eating most of the time? Yes
12- Is there a difference between your private and public eating?  Yes
13- Do you tell yourself you could quit consuming this item whenever you want, even though you've never been able to?  Yes
14- Do you look forward to the time when you can eat this item?  Yes
15- Are you envious of people who have a casual attitude toward food?  Yes
16- Do you sometimes enter a translike state when you are eating?  Yes
17- Does most of your eating occur late at night?  Yes

The Dangers of Tolerance:

One of the key hallmarks of an addiction is tolerance: when you keep needing more to get the same high. (pg 32)

* First you enjoy "something".
* Then you need the "something".  You still enjoy, but it "hurts" not to have it.
* Finally, you need "something" desperately, just to feel normal.  You feel lousy without it.

Making It Through Withdrawal:

The other hallmark of addiction is withdrawal--the pain of giving up an addictive substance that the body has come to rely on.

Withdrawl symptoms:
* Problems with memory
* impaired concentration
* changes in sleep patterns
* anxiety
* depression
* fatigue
* increased reliance on other addictions
* moodiness
* irritability
* headaches

Because of tolerance and withdrawal, food addiction is not a stable solution to the problems of unbalanced rain chemistry.  You are always going to keep wanting more--and you're always risking withdrawal symptoms the moment you cut back.  It is hard to revel in the pleasures of food when food feels like your jailer.  (pg 35)


To be continued.

Don't Judge People.

It's hard finding inspiration in a place where you're surrounded by temptation.  It's difficult to break bad habits that you have invested so MANY years in.  It is a struggle to face another day, sometimes, when you just do not know how you're going to make it through it.  I'm still waiting for that one day where I wake up and decide I do not want to do this anymore, and the inspiration is so strong that all the struggles seem like problems of the past.

My issue (battle) is that I am a food addict.
The problems that have led to this issue are many.
(This list is not complete, and not necessarily in order of importance.)

1- People In My Life:  I can never erase those things said to me.  I will never forget the words "disgusting" and "fat".  I will never outrun the disapproval that I feel, whenever I am in his presence or think back to events of the past.  Until people have walked the road I have traveled, they cannot possibly understand what I have been through.  While the person he may be today (I honestly do not know) is totally different from the person I knew "yesterday", the damage has been done.  I have not been able to erase its imprint in my mind.  I am 46 years old today and I still live with the residue of the past actions, behaviors and remarks.

2- Intentional or Unintentional Comments:  My ex-father-in-law once called me a "fat cow".  "When are you due?"  I cannot tell you the number of times I have been asked that.  

3- Misconceptions and Perceptions:  I am not a pack-mule.  Just because I am taller (5'8") and I am not delicate boned, this does not mean I am as useful as a man.  I am a woman.  Treat me as such.  I deserve the same courtesy that is paid to the petite, thin, and pretty picture that you define a woman as.  Just because I am with someone who is capable of eating extremely large amounts of food does not mean that I do the same.  Just because I am overweight, you do not need to assume that I need super-size portions.  Did you stop for one moment to think that maybe there is a reason I am the way I am?  One more thing.... just because I may require a larger size of clothes, does not mean that I want to dress like a grandma, wear large floral prints or paisley designs, and does not mean my boobs are super-size as well.  Why must I be limited to white granny bras?

4- I Have Feelings:  I notice the judging looks, the comments followed by laughter, and the dismissal.  Why should my size be a factor in whether you decide to "give me the time of day"?  Why should my size be the determining factor of whether you offer me a courtesy?  I have experienced so many negative interactions and reactions from people, that I have lost my ability to think positive about the laughter, comments and looks you give.  My jokes and laughter are attempts to distract from my insecurity and pain.

5- Living With My Choices:  I stay home more than go out, because it hurts to face people.  It is a struggle to carry around the excess baggage and pretend that all is right in the world.  The walls feel like they're closing in on me.  I am living with my mistakes of the past.  My self-imposed imprisonment is crippling me and destroying my quality of life.

I cannot shed my food addiction like a person who chooses to stop smoking, drinking or doing drugs.  Food is not an option.  I have to learn how to live with food, my worst enemy.  It is not as simple as waking up one day and saying "I'm not going to do this anymore!"  The triggers appear each and every day.  They taunt me and torment me.  

If I could have one wish, just put myself first for once, this is what I would wish.  I would wish that I could go into some kind of treatment facility or program, where like an alcoholic or drug addict I would be unable to obtain my drug of choice (food).  I need an intervention and I am so afraid that I will not be able to find my "I can't do this anymore" moment of change.  People preach "diet and exercise" as my solution.  It's hard to stick to.  You have no idea until you have to face it yourself.  It is easier said than done.  

I do not want your pity, instead I want you to understand me.  Understand why I am the way I am.  Understand what I am feeling and consider my feelings.  It's not as simple as "diet and exercise".  It's in my head.  I need help, and I do not know how to go about getting the kind of help I need.  

I need to find a way to rediscover the "me" that is lost and hidden.
I don't know how to change.  I only know that I don't want to live like this anymore.

The First Day of The Rest of My Life!

I started "Slim in 6" today.   I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna take some mental willpower to keep me invested in this, and I'm going to TRY.  They say it takes 6 weeks to build a new habit, and this program is 6 weeks long, but I may have to take it slower and lengthen it.  The reality is that I am out of shape.  I need to work into it slowly, and not hurt myself.

There are some things that happened in my past, that have contributed to my dislike of exercise.  I'm not looking to place blame or point fingers.  To explain a little:  For some years, I was put into an exercise program, something that I call "extreme" exercise.  It wasn't like the amount of exercise you do in school, it was magnified. 

An example of what an exercise session would consist of, toward the end of this time in my life, was:  200 Jumping Jacks, 300 Sit-ups, 180 female push-ups (or 90 male), 90 4-count leg-lifts, 90 8-count leg-lifts, 180 count "point-rock", 90 (on both sides) knee-bends, and sometimes an additional amount of jumping jacks.  These were usually done in the early morning, but they were occasionally called for during the day, in addition to the morning routine.

The positive side of this is that this kept me in relatively good shape.  A high-light in that time of my life, was being able to break the school record for number of sit-ups done in one minute.  My high was 76 sit-ups in one minute, which was over the number 67, the school record.  It was in gym class, and they made me do it a second time, because they thought they miscounted.  I did it twice in a row.

Anyway, part of changing is dealing with the things in the past that have upset you, caused you stress, and which contribute to negative mind-sets and bad habits.  I am at a point in my life today, that I really do NOT care to hear the negative remarks that I could face for posting this.  I'm being honest and I'm trying to let go.  I have to talk about what happened to me, to be able to deal with it and let go.  Hiding it inside, or from the public, is not releasing.

The negative issues in my past, are what is holding me back.  You have to understand that holding things in and hiding the problems, are what has contributed to the physical state I am in now.  I never took up smoking, drugs, alcohol....I began a food addiction.  I HAVE A FOOD ADDICTION.  Unlike the other destructive habits, I cannot quit this habit cold-turkey.  I cannot walk away from food and say "I am not going to do this anymore!"  Somehow I have to learn to find a way to co-exist with food in a healthy manner.  On the same token, somehow I have to learn how to incorporate exercise back into my life.  I am not going to get healthy again, without finding a healthy balance of diet and exercise.

I have waited way too long to begin the steps necessary to change my life.  I have let people and fears dictate my actions, and look where this has gotten me.  It is time to believe in myself, invest in myself and to begin anew, the first day of the rest of my life. 

With that having been said, I will close this blog entry.
 Have a good day everyone.

P.S.  There are some people who may find issue with some of the information that I have shared in this post.  You're entitled to your opinion and I respect that, but I also am entitled to the right to express myself.  I am hurting no one with my honesty.  What I shared, was my history and is my reality.  Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you cannot possibly understand how experiences in my life have formed me, shaped me and impacted me.  I won't apologize for being real.