How Do You Pick Up The Pieces?

I'm really finding it difficult to come to terms with some things in my life.  I've been told to "forgive and forget" the wrongs.  It's not that simple!  It's actually easier to forgive, sometimes you forget, but there is one major part of this equation that is never mentioned:  How do you pick up the pieces?  How do you deal with the wreckage?  

Think of a tornado and the trail of damage that it leaves behind, once it disappears.  This is one aspect of my struggle.  The actual events and situations that caused the wreckage and damage are over.  The "tornado" has long since passed.  The destruction that it left behind, still remains.  I don't know how to begin picking up the pieces and put my life back together again.  How can I even try to do this, when I know there is still going to be a gaping void left by things that just cannot be.

I cannot fill the void in my life that requires someone to change and be a positive, rather than a negative.  I cannot replace them in their role in my life, and I cannot re-establish the role they should play in my life.  How do I move on, when I cannot fix this?  I know I have made mistakes and I know there have been times where I behaved badly.  There are also times in my life where I did NOT create the problem, I reacted to the problem, and I will NOT apologize for certain actions and decisions I made as a result of the problem.  I did NOT cause the problem!!!!  It was my responsibility to deal with the problem, and I did.  Period.  I was nicer than I probably should have been.

Note to a person in my life:
"I can forgive you for your actions.  I've already forgiven you for all of it.  I just do not know how to come to terms with the lack of relationship that we have.  Evidently I still need your approval, I still have a need to know that you do not think I am a total failure.  I need you to acknowledge that I have done good in my life.  I need you to stop looking me as the black sheep.  I am not evil.  I never have been.  I just wanted to be a normal person, with normal mistakes and accomplishments.  I wanted, and still want a normal life.  

My reality is clouded by your actions, and while I'm not asking for an apology for anything, I need you to acknowledge that you made mistakes.  I need you to know that your words, your actions, your behavior have all contributed to my crippled thinking.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a distorted image of myself, one that is based on your dictates.  This is one of the consequences of your actions that I live with daily.  I will live with the warped visual and mental picture of myself that you created.  You are the one who formulated my first impressions.  You taught me your prejudices and stereotypes.  You taught me that I am not good enough, unacceptable, disappointing, a failure and other things I won't post here.

I created an addiction because of the past interaction we have had.  I live with this addiction and it has been a part of my life, for the most part of my life.  I will live with this addiction for the rest of my life.  This addiction is one of the consequences of our interaction.  I chose the addiction as a way to cope with my crippled thoughts, now I do not know how to stop the addiction.

You do not see the consequences that I live with daily.  I do not think you understand that there are consequences to your actions, and the true depth of what your actions and behaviors have done to me.  In your eyes you have done nothing wrong, and therefore you have nothing to concern yourself with.  You have written me off.  

There is one important thing that I have learned from you, that has changed my life in a positive way.  You have taught me who I do not want to be, and I have ensured that I do not carry on the actions and behaviors that you damaged me with.  I choose to have compassion.  I choose to care about how my actions affect others.  I choose to form my own opinions and relationships, based on giving everyone a fair chance.  I choose to not hurt others physically or emotionally.  I choose kindness.  I will not condemn,cripple, or criticize people in my life, with words that destroy their self-confidence or self-image."

I am unable to forward these words to the proper recipient, and I am not able to close out my words with a proper ending.  I just need to express how I feel in the hope that somehow I can find a way to close out this chapter in my life in a positive way.  I'm still no closer to coming to terms with it.  I am no closer to understanding how to move on.  I just want to know how to pick up the pieces of my life and how to stop living in the shadows of the past.

Enough for now.